Lanya prelude
O Come All Ye Faithful
1.) The Story Told from Scripture
Micah
Isaiah
Luke 1
Luke 2
John 1
2.) The Story Explained in Preaching
A. Wonderful COunselor
B. Mighty God
3.) The STory Celebrated in Song
Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
Joy To the World
doles song
candlelighting
Silent Night
Friday, December 23, 2005
Saturday, December 17, 2005
nyt article on business start up
November 14, 2005
Religion
Their Mission: Spreading the Word Through Business
By ANDY NEWMAN
TOM SUDYK is not most people's idea of a missionary.
On paper, he looks like a modern global capitalist, which he is. Mr. Sudyk, an entrepreneur from Michigan, runs, among other things, an outsourcing company in Chennai, India, providing medical transcribers and software engineers to American businesses. In six years, the Indian company - a subsidiary of EC Group International, a larger outsourcing company that Mr. Sudyk founded in Grand Rapids - has grown to 75 employees and is moving into a building triple its present size.
But the Gospel, Mr. Sudyk says, illuminates every aspect of his business, from its ethics to its help to local ministries to the technical support it lends a Christian-run vocational school for polio victims in Chennai. Each afternoon at the Chennai office, there is a 10-minute prayer, and while the prayer is interdenominational, employees who ask to learn more about Jesus Christ - as many have - are gladly accommodated.
"We don't push our religion down their throat," Mr. Sudyk said. "Our philosophy is that you're not going to talk anybody into it. But they clearly know it's a Christian-run company."
Christian-run companies are multiplying in just about every corner of the globe, reshaping overseas mission work. These businesses form a movement known variously as business as mission, kingdom business and great commission companies, after the biblical charge to "make disciples of all the nations."
In Romania, for example, a Californian who runs a Tex-Mex restaurant and catering hall said that he expected to clear $250,000 in profit this year, most of which will be donated to local ministries. And in a Muslim country with a history of hostility to Christianity, a medical-supply importer from the Midwest leverages the trust she earns through her business dealings to quietly spread the word.
Some supporters of business as mission set up microlending banks or fair-trade coffee companies. In countries where there is more hunger for economic development than for missionaries, some of these supporters think that a profit-oriented company centered around Christian values can be a powerful tool for building a Christian society. A job-creating, taxpaying enterprise, they say, will be more legitimate in the eyes of locals, harder for a government to expel and better for the resident economy than one propped up by handouts from back home.
"The real power of the movement is that it's not donor-funded, it's basically globally funded," Mr. Sudyk said. "There's no restraint in the capacity of this system, because you avert the donor and plug into globalization."
Business as mission grew from a 1980's mission movement to reach people in the "resistant belt" across North Africa, the Middle East and Asia where Muslim, Buddhist or antitheistic governments made it hard or impossible for religious workers to get visas. Missionaries with no business experience opened travel agencies, Internet cafes and other small companies, sometimes accused of being little more than fronts for proselytizing.
"That model was about getting missionaries into these countries by whatever means you could, whether it's teaching or business or whatever," said Steven L. Rundle, an associate professor of economics at Biola University in La Mirada, Calif., and an author of a 2003 book, "Great Commission Companies: The Emerging Role of Business in Missions."
Now, Professor Rundle said, evangelical groups are recognizing that mission-minded businesspeople can do things that traditional missionaries cannot. "The future generation of missionary will be the rank-and-file businessman," he said. The wheel, he added, has come full circle: many of the first emissaries of the Gospel were tradesmen, not priests.
One businessman from California, Jeri Little, visited Romania in 1988 on a church trip and was moved by the desperate conditions there. After the fall of the dictator Nicolae Ceausescu in 1989, Mr. Little went to Romania with $100,000 in medicine and supplies.
But Mr. Little, a financial planner who now lives in Romania, wanted to do something beyond a quick fix. "I realized that we needed to not just send them money and create another banana republic dependent on our aid," he said. "We needed people to create business." The question was what kind.
Mr. Little decided to open what he said was the first secondhand clothing store in Iasi (pronounced yahsh), Romania's second-largest city. "Good used clothing from America at good prices," he recalled. "And we introduced a number of new measures, like smiling." Soon there were three stores, and Mr. Little and his wife plowed the profits into local mission projects.
Then, Mr. Little said, God gave him a new assignment: open a restaurant. Why not, Mr. Little, thought, although he knew nothing about it. "The most popular TV show after the revolution was 'Dallas,' " Mr. Little said. "So we said, 'Let's do a Texas theme, make it a Tex-Mex restaurant.' "
The Littles gave the clothing stores to local ministries, and in 1997 opened Little Texas, by all reliable accounts the most popular and authentic, not to mention only, Tex-Mex restaurant in northeastern Romania. As diners in the John Wayne dining room eat their enchiladas and homemade tortillas, they can study a passage on the wall from the 20th Psalm: "Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God."
The couple built a hotel above the restaurant, for Romanian business travelers, with 32 rooms.
Some of the restaurant's profit this year will be put back into expanding the business, but the rest will go to local aid and ministry projects, Mr. Little said. These have included opening a kindergarten and day-care center in one of Iasi's poorest neighborhoods. Soon, Mr. Little and his associates plan to open the first dental clinic in a town in Moldova, several hours from Iasi.
Mr. Little also helped some Romanian friends start a housing company that gives 25 percent of its profit to evangelical ministries. "If I'm going to be involved," he said, "there's going to have to be a significant win for the ministry right off the top."
It is one thing to establish an evangelical presence in a Christian country, another to do it where opening a new Christian church is illegal and evangelizing is frowned upon.
Mary, a 52-year-old from the Midwest who imports medical products into a country she identified only as "98.9 percent Muslim" because she feared hurting her credibility, said that in her four years there she learned to let people come to her.
"I get a call from a doctor working for one of the major drug companies here, a local guy," Mary said a few weeks ago. "He said, 'I haven't seen you in a while, let's get something to drink after work.' " Neither business nor romance was on his mind.
"The real issue is he's empty inside," she said. "And because I've earned the right to speak deeply into his life, I could say, 'God really loves you.' This door that was opened was not opened for any other reason than that I worked with him for a long time on a legitimate project that we both spent hours sweating over.
"There has been this idea that it's not as spiritual to be a businessperson," Mary added. "The truth is totally the opposite because this is genuinely how most people have to live their lives. People who work with me, when they see me lose my temper, or when I have to make a hard business decision, that's authentic Christianity."
Religion
Their Mission: Spreading the Word Through Business
By ANDY NEWMAN
TOM SUDYK is not most people's idea of a missionary.
On paper, he looks like a modern global capitalist, which he is. Mr. Sudyk, an entrepreneur from Michigan, runs, among other things, an outsourcing company in Chennai, India, providing medical transcribers and software engineers to American businesses. In six years, the Indian company - a subsidiary of EC Group International, a larger outsourcing company that Mr. Sudyk founded in Grand Rapids - has grown to 75 employees and is moving into a building triple its present size.
But the Gospel, Mr. Sudyk says, illuminates every aspect of his business, from its ethics to its help to local ministries to the technical support it lends a Christian-run vocational school for polio victims in Chennai. Each afternoon at the Chennai office, there is a 10-minute prayer, and while the prayer is interdenominational, employees who ask to learn more about Jesus Christ - as many have - are gladly accommodated.
"We don't push our religion down their throat," Mr. Sudyk said. "Our philosophy is that you're not going to talk anybody into it. But they clearly know it's a Christian-run company."
Christian-run companies are multiplying in just about every corner of the globe, reshaping overseas mission work. These businesses form a movement known variously as business as mission, kingdom business and great commission companies, after the biblical charge to "make disciples of all the nations."
In Romania, for example, a Californian who runs a Tex-Mex restaurant and catering hall said that he expected to clear $250,000 in profit this year, most of which will be donated to local ministries. And in a Muslim country with a history of hostility to Christianity, a medical-supply importer from the Midwest leverages the trust she earns through her business dealings to quietly spread the word.
Some supporters of business as mission set up microlending banks or fair-trade coffee companies. In countries where there is more hunger for economic development than for missionaries, some of these supporters think that a profit-oriented company centered around Christian values can be a powerful tool for building a Christian society. A job-creating, taxpaying enterprise, they say, will be more legitimate in the eyes of locals, harder for a government to expel and better for the resident economy than one propped up by handouts from back home.
"The real power of the movement is that it's not donor-funded, it's basically globally funded," Mr. Sudyk said. "There's no restraint in the capacity of this system, because you avert the donor and plug into globalization."
Business as mission grew from a 1980's mission movement to reach people in the "resistant belt" across North Africa, the Middle East and Asia where Muslim, Buddhist or antitheistic governments made it hard or impossible for religious workers to get visas. Missionaries with no business experience opened travel agencies, Internet cafes and other small companies, sometimes accused of being little more than fronts for proselytizing.
"That model was about getting missionaries into these countries by whatever means you could, whether it's teaching or business or whatever," said Steven L. Rundle, an associate professor of economics at Biola University in La Mirada, Calif., and an author of a 2003 book, "Great Commission Companies: The Emerging Role of Business in Missions."
Now, Professor Rundle said, evangelical groups are recognizing that mission-minded businesspeople can do things that traditional missionaries cannot. "The future generation of missionary will be the rank-and-file businessman," he said. The wheel, he added, has come full circle: many of the first emissaries of the Gospel were tradesmen, not priests.
One businessman from California, Jeri Little, visited Romania in 1988 on a church trip and was moved by the desperate conditions there. After the fall of the dictator Nicolae Ceausescu in 1989, Mr. Little went to Romania with $100,000 in medicine and supplies.
But Mr. Little, a financial planner who now lives in Romania, wanted to do something beyond a quick fix. "I realized that we needed to not just send them money and create another banana republic dependent on our aid," he said. "We needed people to create business." The question was what kind.
Mr. Little decided to open what he said was the first secondhand clothing store in Iasi (pronounced yahsh), Romania's second-largest city. "Good used clothing from America at good prices," he recalled. "And we introduced a number of new measures, like smiling." Soon there were three stores, and Mr. Little and his wife plowed the profits into local mission projects.
Then, Mr. Little said, God gave him a new assignment: open a restaurant. Why not, Mr. Little, thought, although he knew nothing about it. "The most popular TV show after the revolution was 'Dallas,' " Mr. Little said. "So we said, 'Let's do a Texas theme, make it a Tex-Mex restaurant.' "
The Littles gave the clothing stores to local ministries, and in 1997 opened Little Texas, by all reliable accounts the most popular and authentic, not to mention only, Tex-Mex restaurant in northeastern Romania. As diners in the John Wayne dining room eat their enchiladas and homemade tortillas, they can study a passage on the wall from the 20th Psalm: "Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God."
The couple built a hotel above the restaurant, for Romanian business travelers, with 32 rooms.
Some of the restaurant's profit this year will be put back into expanding the business, but the rest will go to local aid and ministry projects, Mr. Little said. These have included opening a kindergarten and day-care center in one of Iasi's poorest neighborhoods. Soon, Mr. Little and his associates plan to open the first dental clinic in a town in Moldova, several hours from Iasi.
Mr. Little also helped some Romanian friends start a housing company that gives 25 percent of its profit to evangelical ministries. "If I'm going to be involved," he said, "there's going to have to be a significant win for the ministry right off the top."
It is one thing to establish an evangelical presence in a Christian country, another to do it where opening a new Christian church is illegal and evangelizing is frowned upon.
Mary, a 52-year-old from the Midwest who imports medical products into a country she identified only as "98.9 percent Muslim" because she feared hurting her credibility, said that in her four years there she learned to let people come to her.
"I get a call from a doctor working for one of the major drug companies here, a local guy," Mary said a few weeks ago. "He said, 'I haven't seen you in a while, let's get something to drink after work.' " Neither business nor romance was on his mind.
"The real issue is he's empty inside," she said. "And because I've earned the right to speak deeply into his life, I could say, 'God really loves you.' This door that was opened was not opened for any other reason than that I worked with him for a long time on a legitimate project that we both spent hours sweating over.
"There has been this idea that it's not as spiritual to be a businessperson," Mary added. "The truth is totally the opposite because this is genuinely how most people have to live their lives. People who work with me, when they see me lose my temper, or when I have to make a hard business decision, that's authentic Christianity."
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
john piper didn't think this stuff up
Happiness hunters!
(Cornelius Tyree of the 19th century)
A higher degree of personal piety, will promote
a higher degree of personal happiness.
"Sin and sorrow are bound together by
adamantine chains." Hence man increases
in misery--as he increases in sin. It is upon this
principle that the devil is the most miserable
being in the universe--because he is the most
depraved.
So, on the other hand, there is an inseparable
connection between holiness and happiness. God
is the most happy being in the universe--because
He is the most holy. And the happiness of His
people is just in proportion as they resemble
Him in righteousness and true holiness.
Heaven is a world of supreme happiness,
because it is a world of supreme holiness.
Hell is a world of supreme misery,
because sin is there fully developed.
God has so ordered it, that our comfort and happiness
in this world can only be found in a pious life. For the
last six thousand years mankind have been happiness
hunters. In all ages and lands the eager query has been,
"Who will show us any good?" But every device has been
a failure! The recorded and unrecorded experience of all
has been, "All is vanity and vexation of spirit!" We can
no more expect to find happiness in the pursuits and
objects of this world--than we may expect to find
luscious grapes growing at the icy North Pole.
But in the likeness and service of Christ, is found
a happiness which is pure, elevating, perennial,
inexhaustible--a happiness that will go with us
in all conditions, all lands, and all worlds!
The great cause of all the sadness and depression
in the followers of Christ, is the small degree of their
piety. The only reason why they are disconsolate,
is because they "follow the Lord afar off." One single
uncrucified, unbemoaned sin--will not only destroy
all pious enjoyment--but open the soul to the devil,
with his whole black train of guilt and misery. It
matters not what this sin is. Any one sin habitually
indulged in, whether it is pride, malice, backbiting,
covetousness, filling the mind with unholy images,
or murmuring under adverse providences--will
exclude from the soul all pious enjoyment.
After all, the great secret of being happy, is
to be holy. He who grows in practical piety has
opened a thousand sources of true bliss.
The "golden fruit of happiness" grows only on the
"tree of holiness". If happiness is sought in any
other way than by being holy--it is sought in vain.
(Cornelius Tyree of the 19th century)
A higher degree of personal piety, will promote
a higher degree of personal happiness.
"Sin and sorrow are bound together by
adamantine chains." Hence man increases
in misery--as he increases in sin. It is upon this
principle that the devil is the most miserable
being in the universe--because he is the most
depraved.
So, on the other hand, there is an inseparable
connection between holiness and happiness. God
is the most happy being in the universe--because
He is the most holy. And the happiness of His
people is just in proportion as they resemble
Him in righteousness and true holiness.
Heaven is a world of supreme happiness,
because it is a world of supreme holiness.
Hell is a world of supreme misery,
because sin is there fully developed.
God has so ordered it, that our comfort and happiness
in this world can only be found in a pious life. For the
last six thousand years mankind have been happiness
hunters. In all ages and lands the eager query has been,
"Who will show us any good?" But every device has been
a failure! The recorded and unrecorded experience of all
has been, "All is vanity and vexation of spirit!" We can
no more expect to find happiness in the pursuits and
objects of this world--than we may expect to find
luscious grapes growing at the icy North Pole.
But in the likeness and service of Christ, is found
a happiness which is pure, elevating, perennial,
inexhaustible--a happiness that will go with us
in all conditions, all lands, and all worlds!
The great cause of all the sadness and depression
in the followers of Christ, is the small degree of their
piety. The only reason why they are disconsolate,
is because they "follow the Lord afar off." One single
uncrucified, unbemoaned sin--will not only destroy
all pious enjoyment--but open the soul to the devil,
with his whole black train of guilt and misery. It
matters not what this sin is. Any one sin habitually
indulged in, whether it is pride, malice, backbiting,
covetousness, filling the mind with unholy images,
or murmuring under adverse providences--will
exclude from the soul all pious enjoyment.
After all, the great secret of being happy, is
to be holy. He who grows in practical piety has
opened a thousand sources of true bliss.
The "golden fruit of happiness" grows only on the
"tree of holiness". If happiness is sought in any
other way than by being holy--it is sought in vain.
Monday, December 05, 2005
Incarnation thoughts by Octavius Winslow
How could a holy God advance towards me, or I draw near to Him? But He takes my nature that He may descend to me, and He gives me His nature that I may ascend to Him. He stoops, because I could not rise! Oh mystery of grace, wisdom, and love! Shall I doubt it? I go to the manger of Bethlehem, and gaze upon the infant Savior. My faith is staggered, and I exclaim, "Is this the Son of God?" Retiring, I track that infant's steps along its future path. I mark the wisdom that He displayed, and I behold the wonders that He wrought. I mark the revelations that He disclosed, the doctrines that He propounded, the precepts that He taught, the magnanimity that He displayed. I follow Him to Gethsemane, to the judgment-hall, and then to Calvary, and I witness the closing scene of wonder. I return to Bethlehem, and with the evidences which my hesitating faith has thus collected, I exclaim, with the awe-struck and believing centurion, "Truly this is the Son of God!" All the mystery of His lowly incarnation vanishes, and my adoring soul embraces the incarnate God within its arms. We marvel not that, hovering over the spot where this great mystery of godliness transpired, the celestial choir, in the stillness of the night, awoke such strains of music along the plains of Bethlehem as were never heard before. They left the realms of glory to escort the Lord of glory in His advent to our earth. How gladly they trooped around Him, thronging His wondrous way, their benevolent bosoms dilating in sympathy with the grand object of His mission. And this was the angel's message to the astonished shepherds: "Fear not: for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day, in the city of David, a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on Earth peace, good will toward men." Shall angels rejoice in the incarnation of the Son of God, and our hearts be cold and unmoved? Forbid it love, forbid it gratitude, forbid it, O my soul!
New Page 1
New Page 1
Sunday, December 04, 2005
kathy keller on CS Lewis
I “learned to know Aslan in my own country” because of Lewis, though I have to admit it was a stretch, at first, to connect the boring Jesus of my Sunday school lessons with the vibrant Aslan.
Name Pending: Reviewing the Reviewers
Name Pending: Reviewing the Reviewers
Friday, December 02, 2005
How CS Lewis’ “The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe” has helped me know, enjoy, and follow Jesus
notes
#1. Who is the only Hero of our story?
A. Not a tame lion
-Dangerous & Good
B. The Suffering Substitute
C. The Risen Conqueror
D. The Renewer of All Things
#2. What our story is…
War between good and evil
??This Bible forms a subtext for this thread in the story, too, because the story of cosmic conflict organizes the Bible from start to finish. C. S. Lewis himself provides one of the best ways of formulating this aspect of the Christian world view. In a printed debate on the subject of recreation, Lewis claimed that in a Christian view of the world, "there is no neutral ground in the universe: every square inch, every split second, is claimed by God and counterclaimed by Satan" (Christian Reflections). For The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, we can substitute the names Aslan and the White Witch.
#3. Where our story is going…
Thirdly, the book provides glimpses of the eschaton—the final end with its accompanying destruction of evil and the triumph of the good. The world of Narnia itself poses something of a mystery or ambiguity here. In many ways, Narnia is an analogue to life on earth. We look at metaphors of the human condition as we travel with the children through Narnia. But at many points in the story, and especially in the last two chapters, we intuitively assimilate the action in the spirit with which we read the biblical book of Revelation, with its pictures of the final end. The turning of the statues back into people, a gigantic and decisive last battle, coronations at a great hall, living "in great joy" and remembering "life in this world . . . only as one remembers a dream"—all of these have an eschatological feel to them.
#1. Who is the only Hero of our story?
A. Not a tame lion
-Dangerous & Good
B. The Suffering Substitute
C. The Risen Conqueror
D. The Renewer of All Things
#2. What our story is…
War between good and evil
??This Bible forms a subtext for this thread in the story, too, because the story of cosmic conflict organizes the Bible from start to finish. C. S. Lewis himself provides one of the best ways of formulating this aspect of the Christian world view. In a printed debate on the subject of recreation, Lewis claimed that in a Christian view of the world, "there is no neutral ground in the universe: every square inch, every split second, is claimed by God and counterclaimed by Satan" (Christian Reflections). For The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, we can substitute the names Aslan and the White Witch.
#3. Where our story is going…
Thirdly, the book provides glimpses of the eschaton—the final end with its accompanying destruction of evil and the triumph of the good. The world of Narnia itself poses something of a mystery or ambiguity here. In many ways, Narnia is an analogue to life on earth. We look at metaphors of the human condition as we travel with the children through Narnia. But at many points in the story, and especially in the last two chapters, we intuitively assimilate the action in the spirit with which we read the biblical book of Revelation, with its pictures of the final end. The turning of the statues back into people, a gigantic and decisive last battle, coronations at a great hall, living "in great joy" and remembering "life in this world . . . only as one remembers a dream"—all of these have an eschatological feel to them.
Thursday, December 01, 2005
forgiveness project by Keller
FORGIVENESS PROJECT
Read and mark “!” - for something that helped you
“?” -for something that raised a question
Introduction: In Galatians 4:12-20, Paul’s forgiveness of the Galatians for their betrayal of him is so automatic that we can hardly notice it. It is only because his appeal to them (as strong as it is) is so affectionate and free from resentment that we realize the strength of Paul’s forgiving spirit. Later he cautions the Galatians against a growing spirit of resentment and back-biting (Gal.5:15). The more they lose touch with the gospel, the more resentments and grudges are growing.
Below is a guide to how the gospel helps us reconcile our relationships with a balance of truth and love. (At times you can see that this project has been used in seminars for married couples! But the principles are basic to all relationships.)
A. The Resources for Forgiveness.
1. We need enough humility.
Jesus ties our ability to forgive to our ability to repent. ("Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors" Matt.6:12.) This doesn't mean that God forgives our sins because we forgive others. It means that in general we are as forgiven by God as we are forgiving to others because unforgiving people are unrepentant people. The more we hold grudges the less we see ourselves as having done wrong and needing forgiveness; the more we see ourselves as needing forgiveness, the more likely we are to forgive others. Why? Resentment requires a person to sit in the position of Judge (Rom.12:19-20). We can only hold grudges if we feel superior to the other person. Jesus very directly and bluntly tells us that, if we hold a grudge against another person, we are ignorant of how much we owe God. So the first thing we have to see is our own need for forgiveness. We need enough humility to forgive.
Transition: But this is not enough! Because though pride is one reason that we cannot forgive, emotional insecurity is another. So in addition:
2. We need enough “emotional wealth”.
Why is it that we can forgive some wrongs easily but not others? It is because everyone draws a sense of self-worth (a sense that we are worthy of love and respect) from certain objects. No one can “validate” themselves. We all look to certain ones or things to convince us that we are significant. The more certain we are of this, the more “emotionally wealthy” we are--confident, poised, at peace. What are the things that we look to? Steven Covey calls them “personal centers” and Victor Frankl calls them your “meaning centers”. They may be career, possessions, appearance, romance, peer groups, achievement, good causes, moral character, religion, marriage, children, friendships--or a combination of a several. However, this means that these things are things that we absolutely must have, or we face emotional “bankruptcy” and death. And all our most powerful feelings are connected to them. We respond in deep guilt if we fail to attain them, or in deep anger if someone blocks them from us, or in deep anxiety if they are threatened, or in major drivenness since we must have them, or in despair if we ever lose them completely.
For example: A husband and a wife discovered that a school teacher had been emotionally abusive to their daughter and had fairly ruined her academic year and sent her into counseling. They are both angry at the teacher, but the husband has less trouble “getting past” the anger than the wife. Why? Is the husband a less angry person. No, in general he tends to be more angry temperamentally. Does he love his daughter less? No. The issue is that the wife has tied her own self-image and sense of self-worth to her daughter’s progress and happiness (while the husband does this with his career). As a result, her anger is far deeper, since she is going “bankrupt”. She feels “if my daughter doesn’t turn out well, what good am I?” So her anger toward the teacher is powerful. Sum: Ironically, it is both a sense of superiority or a sense of inferiority that makes it hard for forgive. Paradoxically, the two can often go together. We often deal with our own inferiority and insecurity by taking a superior, judgmental position toward someone else.
B. The Character of Forgiveness.
A definition. What is forgiveness, specifically? When someone has wronged you, it means they owe you, they have a debt with you. Forgiveness is to absorb the cost of the debt yourself. You pay the price yourself, and you refuse to exact the price out of the person in any way. Forgiveness is to a) free the person from penalty for a sin by b) paying the price yourself.
The ultimate example. We are told that our forgiveness must imitate God's forgiveness in Christ. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you (Eph.4:32). a) How did God forgive? We are told that he does not 'remember' them. That cannot mean that God literally forgets what has happened--it means he "sends away" the penalty for them. He does not bring the incidents to mind, and does not let them affect the way he deals with us. b) How did God forgive "in Christ"? We are told that Jesus pays the price for the sins. "It is finished" means "It has been paid in full" (John 19:30). The Father gave up his Son, and the Son gave up his life. God absorbed the cost in himself.
C. Practical Steps for Forgiveness.
1.Distinguish between granting and feeling.
Realize that forgiveness is granted (often for a long time) before it is felt. Forgiveness is granted first, and felt later (Luke 17:3-10). Forgiveness is not primarily a feeling, but a set of actions and disciplines. In summary, forgiveness is a promise not to exact the price of the sin from the person who wronged you. This promise means a repeated set of "payment" in which you relinquish revenge. It is hard and (for a while) constant. If this promise is kept actively, eventually the feeling of anger subsides. It is critical to realize at the outset, then, that forgiveness is not the forcing or denying of feelings, but a promise to make and to keep despite our feelings.
2. Determine to never exact the price, but to pay the price ourselves.
"[Forgiveness] is to deal with our emotions by sending them away--by denying ourselves the dark pleasures of venting them or fondling them in our minds....
"Once upon a time, I was engaged to a young woman who changed her mind. I forgave her...but [only] in small sums over a year...[They were made] whenever I spoke to her and refrained from rehashing the past, whenever I renounced jealousy and self-pity, whenever [I saw her] with another man, whenever I praised her to others when I wanted to slice away at her reputation. Those were the payments--but she never saw them. And her own payment were unseen by me...but I do know that she forgave me....[Forgiveness] is more than a matter of refusing to hate someone. It is also a matter of choosing to demonstrate love and acceptance to the offender...Pain is the consequence of sin; there is no easy way to deal with it. Wood, nails and pain are the currency of forgiveness, the love that heals."
-- Dan Hamilton, Forgiveness
3. Take two inventories: of ways to exact the price; of ways to pay the price.
This quote shows us that there are numerous ways that we can "exact" and take payment from the offender, but each time we refrain, we are absorbing the cost ourselves and "making payments". Below are the ways in which we tend to try to exact payments:
a) In our dealing with the offender:
(1) We can make cutting remarks and drag out the past.
(2) We can be far more demanding and controlling with the person than we are with others, all because "they owe us".
(3) We can punish with self-righteous "mercy" which makes them feel small.
(4) We can avoid them, be cold or to them in overt and/or subtle ways.
(5) We can actively seek and scheme to hurt or harm them, taking from them something valuable to them.
b) In our dealing with others:
(1) We can run them down to others, under the guise of "warning" people about them.
(2) We can run them down to others, under the guise of seeking sympathy and sharing our hurt.
c) In our dealing with ourselves:
(1) We can replay the tapes of what they did to us, to justify our anger and hostility.
(2) We can "root" for their failure or fall or pain.
Forgiveness is a promise, to not "bring the matter up" to the person, others, or even ourselves. At each point when we are tempted to exact payment, we refuse, and though it hurts, that is a payment:
a) With the person
In our dealings with the person we are courteous and warm as possible. If the person is repentant, we seek to restore the relationship as much as possible. Why say "as much as possible?" If the person has done grievous wrong, it may mean the trust can only be restored in degrees. If the person is continuing in a hostile manner, you must not make it easy for them to sin against you. And there are other circumstances. (e.g. If the person is a former "love interest", then to re-create the same relationship may be inappropriate.)
The speed and degree of this restoration entails the re-creation of trust, and that takes time, depending on the nature and severity of the offenses involved. Part of real repentance usually means asking: "what could I do that would make you trust me?" and being willing to accept the answer. Part of real forgiveness means being open to the possibility of lasting change in the offender and being truly unbiased and willing to offer more trust little by little.
b) With others
We must not criticize the offender to others. We should be careful, when seeking support for our "burdens" (Galatians 6:1-6) that we aren't using them as an excuse to get others to justify us by agreeing how horrible the other person is! We must be reasonable. This is not to say you can never say anything that casts a bad light on someone else, but you must watch your motives. If the person stays in a hostile and unrepentant mode, it may be necessary to "warn" someone about him or her, but again, motives must be watched.
c) With yourself
What does it mean to "not bring it up yourself"? It means not to dwell on it in the heart, and not to re-play the "videotapes" of the wrong in your imagination, in order to keep the sense of loss and hurt fresh and real to you. It means, when you are ready to do so, you should pray for the person and yourself, remind yourself of the cross (see below) and turn your mind to other things.
4. “Will the good” of the other, not only for his/her sake but also for yours!
Notice that on the cross Jesus says, "Father, forgive them for they do not know what they are doing." (Luke 23:34) He doesn't actually say "I forgive you". He does forgive, of course, but by turning to the Father and praying for them, he shows us an important method if forgiveness. He admits that they are sinning (otherwise they would not need forgiveness!) but he sees them as needy and weak (they don't know). He seeks their enlightenment and forgiveness from God. He prays for them.
When we identify "evil" too closely with the "evildoer", we get pulled into the same cycle of hurt pride and revenge and self-absorption and then more hurt pride and more revenge. The secret of overcoming evil is for us to see "evil" as something above and distinct from the evil doer. When we do that, there are two results: 1) The spread of evil is checked toward us. Its hatred and pride does not infect us. Consider this--the only way to truly “beat” the ill-will of the other is to forgive him/her. Why? If you don’t, you are still being controlled by the other. Even if you are reacting against them, you are still being dominated and affected by them. 2) The spread of evil may be checked in the evildoer. He or she may be softened and helped by our love. We don’t know that for certain, but it is almost the only way that can happen. This is, then, an act of the will. We determine to wish them good and will their growth and healing. We determine to pray for them.
Note: It needs to be said here that in general, it is not loving to let another person go about sinning and doing wrong. Forgiveness does not therefore mean you cannot criticize, or oppose, or contend against continued destructive behavior. Forgiveness that turns away from confrontation is not loving at all--it is self-serving. The ordinary approach is to a) stay angry inside (exact payment) and b) say nothing on the outside. That lets evil spread in both your life and the life of the other. Instead, the right thing to do is a) completely forgive inside (make payment) and b) confront lovingly on the outside. That checks the spread of evil all around. Also, it is impossible to speak lovingly and winsomely to a person doing wrong unless you have gotten control of your anger through forgiveness steps. The model for this is Christ, of course, who spoke out enough to get crucified, but who forgave his crucifiers every step of the way. The result of his perfect conformity to this model was the triumph of grace both in his own life and in that of his crucifiers.
D. Pre-conditions for Forgiveness.
1. Getting Humility.
The Bible is explicit in telling us to forgive as God in Christ forgave you (Eph.4:32). There is no better way to get the humility necessary for forgiveness than to accept what the gospel says about us. It tells us that we were made by God and owe him therefore everything--we owe it to him to put him first in our life. Even religious people ordinarily only relate to God when we need him in times of trouble. None of us love him as we owe--”with all our heart, soul, strength and mind”. Jesus himself shows us vividly how to do this in Matthew 18:21-35. When Peter asks about forgiveness, Jesus tells the parable of a servant who is forgiven a debt of an infinite sum (10,000 talents--roughly equivalent to about $300,000,000 dollars) but who then refuses to forgive a debt to him of a few dollars. Jesus calls the servant "wicked" and says, in effect, to him, "shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant as I had mercy on you?"(18:33) This is a challenge to us. We must compare our debt to God with people's debts to us AND we are to compare his Christ's payment for our forgiveness to our payment for their forgiveness. We are to say, "Lord, you did not exact payment for my debts from me, but Jesus paid for them with his life. Now what right to I have to exact payments for their debts to me? And for me to forgive would not take a payment anything like Christ's payment!"
Paul in Romans 12 shows us another way to think of resentment and forgiveness. He says, "Leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written: 'vengeance is mine...says the Lord" v.19. What we are being reminded is that all resentment and vengeance is taking on God's role as judge. It is playing God. But (1) only God is qualified to be judge (we are imperfect and deserve judgment ourselves) and (2) only God knows enough to be judge (we don't know all about the offender, what he/she has faced and deserves) and (3) Jesus took the judgment of God. So Paul is saying: "Think this! Either these persons you are angry at will repent some day and Jesus will take their judgment, or they will not and God will deal with it. But in either process, you are not involved." "Pride won't allow forgiveness; forgiveness won't allow pride". If you cannot forgive, it is because you are sure that you are not as sinful as the person you are mad at.
2. Getting “emotional wealth”.
Anger is the result of love. It is energy for defense of something you love when it is threatened. If you don't love something at all, you are not angry when it is threatened. If you love something a little, you get a little angry when it is threatened. If something you love is an "ultimate concern", if it is something that gives you meaning in life, then when it is threatened you will get uncontrollably angry.
When anything in life is an absolute requirement for your happiness and self--worth, it is essentially an “idol”, something you are actually worshipping. When such a thing is threatened, your anger is absolute. Your anger is actually the way the idol keeps you in its service, in its chains. Therefore, if you find that, despite all the efforts to forgive (using 0.-4. above), your anger and bitterness cannot subside, you may need to look deeper and ask, "what am I defending? what is so important that I cannot live without?" It may be that, until some inordinate desire is identified and confronted, you will not be able to master your anger.
Here is a real example. A woman in her late 30’s had never married. Her family and her part of the country believed that there was something radically wrong with any woman of that age that was still single. She wrestled greatly with shame and unworthiness, and she also had tremendous unresolved anger against a man she had dated for many years but who had not married her. She went to a counselor. The therapist rightly told her that she had taken her to heart her family’s approach to personal value and worth. They taught that a woman had to include a husband and children if she was to have any value or worth. She was bitter against this man only because he had come between her and the thing she felt she needed to have to have value. The counselor then proposed that she throw off such an unenlightened view and throw herself into a career.
About this time she was going to a church where she was clearly hearing the gospel for the first time. She heard that the gospel is not that we live a worthy life and then give it to God and then he owes us, but that in Jesus Christ he has already lived a worthy life (he lived the life we should have lived and died the death we should have died) and that when we believe, he gives it to us. Then we are completely accepted and loved by the only One in the universe who counts. This gives us the ultimate “emotional wealth”, a sense of being loved so deep that we can afford to forgive anyone. She realized that the well-meaning counselor was asking her to throw off a politically incorrect system of works-righteousness for a politically correct one! She said, “why should I leave the ranks of the many women who make ‘family’ their worth and value to join the ranks of the many men who make ‘career’ the same thing? Would I not be as devastated then by career setbacks as I have been by romantic ones? No. I will receive the righteousness of Christ, and learn to rejoice in it. Then I can look at males or career and say, ‘what makes me beautiful to God is Jesus, not these things.’ Only then will I have power and freedom. And power to forgive” She found the “pre-conditions” for forgiveness.
Note: It will become clear that one of the most typical “idols” we can have is our spouse! We may need his or her approval and respect in idolatrous ways--we may look to the other person to be a “savior”, the source of our self-worth. No human being can bear that pressure however. Your spouse is a finite human being with limitations. He or she cannot love you consistently. And if you try to get from your spouse what only the Lord can give, you will be locked in a vicious cycle. Your will not be able to forgive your spouse for his/her failures unless you find a Spouse whose love is perfect and whose forgiveness is perfect too.
E. Steps for Repentance.
Why wait until now to talk about repentance? And why give it so little space? Repentance and forgiveness are really different ways of looking at the same thing. We could just as easily spent the lion’s share of this essay on repentance, and then added this note on forgiveness. Both are the same in all of these ways: 1) The pre-conditions are identical. (Both are blocked by pride and emotional bankruptcy. Both require humility and emotional wealth.) 2) The character is identical. (Both are just ways of saying, “I am willing to absorb the payment for what I have done.”) 3) Even the steps are nearly the same. See below.
1. An honest admission of just your part of the wrong. Maybe in the disagreement you are only 10% wrong, or 30% or 80%. You just confess your part without any blame-shifting or excuses. Even if the other person believes you are more guilty than you think you are, admit the truth. Only offer to analyze and describe the part of the mess that you are responsible.
2. Make no excuses. Do not explain it away as blame-shifting. Treat other “triggering” factors as occasions not causes. Your own selfishness or insensitivity etc. was the real cause, and what other people did to you only released those things out into the expressions that you did. If you don’t do this, your repentance can actually be a way to not repent at all.
3. Be willing to listen to a realistic account of what your wrong cost the other. It is possible to use repentance to say “shut up” to another person. How? a) If your repentance is very over-dramatic and emotional, you are saying, “look how bad I feel--don’t tell me anything more about how I made you feel” or even “look how bad I feel--don’t you want to take back what you said? “ b) If your repentance is very quick and analytical, it may make the other person feel that she or he cannot share what he/she was feeling. It can be a way to say, “I’m not interested in hearing how you feel at all.”
4. Provide “fruits” of repentance, rather than just an expression of sorrow. a. Offer to make changes that would restore or remunerate is some way for the damage done. b. Offer to make changes in behavior that would make it very unlikely for the incident at issue to happen again. If you can’t do this, your partner has the right to think you haven’t repented.
If competent repentance and competent forgiveness coincide, the experience is almost a joyful revival of your relationship each time. It is a bit like a conversion experience, with the reality and sweetness of your relationship appreciated in new ways. You see the marriage as a gift, and you find new emotional wealth, since the love of the other person actually points you to the forgiving Lord himself. But if your spouse is not repenting, you a) should still forgive, since it is the only way to keep evil from spreading in you both (see above) and you b) can still forgive if you meet the pre-conditions (see above).
Read and mark “!” - for something that helped you
“?” -for something that raised a question
Introduction: In Galatians 4:12-20, Paul’s forgiveness of the Galatians for their betrayal of him is so automatic that we can hardly notice it. It is only because his appeal to them (as strong as it is) is so affectionate and free from resentment that we realize the strength of Paul’s forgiving spirit. Later he cautions the Galatians against a growing spirit of resentment and back-biting (Gal.5:15). The more they lose touch with the gospel, the more resentments and grudges are growing.
Below is a guide to how the gospel helps us reconcile our relationships with a balance of truth and love. (At times you can see that this project has been used in seminars for married couples! But the principles are basic to all relationships.)
A. The Resources for Forgiveness.
1. We need enough humility.
Jesus ties our ability to forgive to our ability to repent. ("Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors" Matt.6:12.) This doesn't mean that God forgives our sins because we forgive others. It means that in general we are as forgiven by God as we are forgiving to others because unforgiving people are unrepentant people. The more we hold grudges the less we see ourselves as having done wrong and needing forgiveness; the more we see ourselves as needing forgiveness, the more likely we are to forgive others. Why? Resentment requires a person to sit in the position of Judge (Rom.12:19-20). We can only hold grudges if we feel superior to the other person. Jesus very directly and bluntly tells us that, if we hold a grudge against another person, we are ignorant of how much we owe God. So the first thing we have to see is our own need for forgiveness. We need enough humility to forgive.
Transition: But this is not enough! Because though pride is one reason that we cannot forgive, emotional insecurity is another. So in addition:
2. We need enough “emotional wealth”.
Why is it that we can forgive some wrongs easily but not others? It is because everyone draws a sense of self-worth (a sense that we are worthy of love and respect) from certain objects. No one can “validate” themselves. We all look to certain ones or things to convince us that we are significant. The more certain we are of this, the more “emotionally wealthy” we are--confident, poised, at peace. What are the things that we look to? Steven Covey calls them “personal centers” and Victor Frankl calls them your “meaning centers”. They may be career, possessions, appearance, romance, peer groups, achievement, good causes, moral character, religion, marriage, children, friendships--or a combination of a several. However, this means that these things are things that we absolutely must have, or we face emotional “bankruptcy” and death. And all our most powerful feelings are connected to them. We respond in deep guilt if we fail to attain them, or in deep anger if someone blocks them from us, or in deep anxiety if they are threatened, or in major drivenness since we must have them, or in despair if we ever lose them completely.
For example: A husband and a wife discovered that a school teacher had been emotionally abusive to their daughter and had fairly ruined her academic year and sent her into counseling. They are both angry at the teacher, but the husband has less trouble “getting past” the anger than the wife. Why? Is the husband a less angry person. No, in general he tends to be more angry temperamentally. Does he love his daughter less? No. The issue is that the wife has tied her own self-image and sense of self-worth to her daughter’s progress and happiness (while the husband does this with his career). As a result, her anger is far deeper, since she is going “bankrupt”. She feels “if my daughter doesn’t turn out well, what good am I?” So her anger toward the teacher is powerful. Sum: Ironically, it is both a sense of superiority or a sense of inferiority that makes it hard for forgive. Paradoxically, the two can often go together. We often deal with our own inferiority and insecurity by taking a superior, judgmental position toward someone else.
B. The Character of Forgiveness.
A definition. What is forgiveness, specifically? When someone has wronged you, it means they owe you, they have a debt with you. Forgiveness is to absorb the cost of the debt yourself. You pay the price yourself, and you refuse to exact the price out of the person in any way. Forgiveness is to a) free the person from penalty for a sin by b) paying the price yourself.
The ultimate example. We are told that our forgiveness must imitate God's forgiveness in Christ. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you (Eph.4:32). a) How did God forgive? We are told that he does not 'remember' them. That cannot mean that God literally forgets what has happened--it means he "sends away" the penalty for them. He does not bring the incidents to mind, and does not let them affect the way he deals with us. b) How did God forgive "in Christ"? We are told that Jesus pays the price for the sins. "It is finished" means "It has been paid in full" (John 19:30). The Father gave up his Son, and the Son gave up his life. God absorbed the cost in himself.
C. Practical Steps for Forgiveness.
1.Distinguish between granting and feeling.
Realize that forgiveness is granted (often for a long time) before it is felt. Forgiveness is granted first, and felt later (Luke 17:3-10). Forgiveness is not primarily a feeling, but a set of actions and disciplines. In summary, forgiveness is a promise not to exact the price of the sin from the person who wronged you. This promise means a repeated set of "payment" in which you relinquish revenge. It is hard and (for a while) constant. If this promise is kept actively, eventually the feeling of anger subsides. It is critical to realize at the outset, then, that forgiveness is not the forcing or denying of feelings, but a promise to make and to keep despite our feelings.
2. Determine to never exact the price, but to pay the price ourselves.
"[Forgiveness] is to deal with our emotions by sending them away--by denying ourselves the dark pleasures of venting them or fondling them in our minds....
"Once upon a time, I was engaged to a young woman who changed her mind. I forgave her...but [only] in small sums over a year...[They were made] whenever I spoke to her and refrained from rehashing the past, whenever I renounced jealousy and self-pity, whenever [I saw her] with another man, whenever I praised her to others when I wanted to slice away at her reputation. Those were the payments--but she never saw them. And her own payment were unseen by me...but I do know that she forgave me....[Forgiveness] is more than a matter of refusing to hate someone. It is also a matter of choosing to demonstrate love and acceptance to the offender...Pain is the consequence of sin; there is no easy way to deal with it. Wood, nails and pain are the currency of forgiveness, the love that heals."
-- Dan Hamilton, Forgiveness
3. Take two inventories: of ways to exact the price; of ways to pay the price.
This quote shows us that there are numerous ways that we can "exact" and take payment from the offender, but each time we refrain, we are absorbing the cost ourselves and "making payments". Below are the ways in which we tend to try to exact payments:
a) In our dealing with the offender:
(1) We can make cutting remarks and drag out the past.
(2) We can be far more demanding and controlling with the person than we are with others, all because "they owe us".
(3) We can punish with self-righteous "mercy" which makes them feel small.
(4) We can avoid them, be cold or to them in overt and/or subtle ways.
(5) We can actively seek and scheme to hurt or harm them, taking from them something valuable to them.
b) In our dealing with others:
(1) We can run them down to others, under the guise of "warning" people about them.
(2) We can run them down to others, under the guise of seeking sympathy and sharing our hurt.
c) In our dealing with ourselves:
(1) We can replay the tapes of what they did to us, to justify our anger and hostility.
(2) We can "root" for their failure or fall or pain.
Forgiveness is a promise, to not "bring the matter up" to the person, others, or even ourselves. At each point when we are tempted to exact payment, we refuse, and though it hurts, that is a payment:
a) With the person
In our dealings with the person we are courteous and warm as possible. If the person is repentant, we seek to restore the relationship as much as possible. Why say "as much as possible?" If the person has done grievous wrong, it may mean the trust can only be restored in degrees. If the person is continuing in a hostile manner, you must not make it easy for them to sin against you. And there are other circumstances. (e.g. If the person is a former "love interest", then to re-create the same relationship may be inappropriate.)
The speed and degree of this restoration entails the re-creation of trust, and that takes time, depending on the nature and severity of the offenses involved. Part of real repentance usually means asking: "what could I do that would make you trust me?" and being willing to accept the answer. Part of real forgiveness means being open to the possibility of lasting change in the offender and being truly unbiased and willing to offer more trust little by little.
b) With others
We must not criticize the offender to others. We should be careful, when seeking support for our "burdens" (Galatians 6:1-6) that we aren't using them as an excuse to get others to justify us by agreeing how horrible the other person is! We must be reasonable. This is not to say you can never say anything that casts a bad light on someone else, but you must watch your motives. If the person stays in a hostile and unrepentant mode, it may be necessary to "warn" someone about him or her, but again, motives must be watched.
c) With yourself
What does it mean to "not bring it up yourself"? It means not to dwell on it in the heart, and not to re-play the "videotapes" of the wrong in your imagination, in order to keep the sense of loss and hurt fresh and real to you. It means, when you are ready to do so, you should pray for the person and yourself, remind yourself of the cross (see below) and turn your mind to other things.
4. “Will the good” of the other, not only for his/her sake but also for yours!
Notice that on the cross Jesus says, "Father, forgive them for they do not know what they are doing." (Luke 23:34) He doesn't actually say "I forgive you". He does forgive, of course, but by turning to the Father and praying for them, he shows us an important method if forgiveness. He admits that they are sinning (otherwise they would not need forgiveness!) but he sees them as needy and weak (they don't know). He seeks their enlightenment and forgiveness from God. He prays for them.
When we identify "evil" too closely with the "evildoer", we get pulled into the same cycle of hurt pride and revenge and self-absorption and then more hurt pride and more revenge. The secret of overcoming evil is for us to see "evil" as something above and distinct from the evil doer. When we do that, there are two results: 1) The spread of evil is checked toward us. Its hatred and pride does not infect us. Consider this--the only way to truly “beat” the ill-will of the other is to forgive him/her. Why? If you don’t, you are still being controlled by the other. Even if you are reacting against them, you are still being dominated and affected by them. 2) The spread of evil may be checked in the evildoer. He or she may be softened and helped by our love. We don’t know that for certain, but it is almost the only way that can happen. This is, then, an act of the will. We determine to wish them good and will their growth and healing. We determine to pray for them.
Note: It needs to be said here that in general, it is not loving to let another person go about sinning and doing wrong. Forgiveness does not therefore mean you cannot criticize, or oppose, or contend against continued destructive behavior. Forgiveness that turns away from confrontation is not loving at all--it is self-serving. The ordinary approach is to a) stay angry inside (exact payment) and b) say nothing on the outside. That lets evil spread in both your life and the life of the other. Instead, the right thing to do is a) completely forgive inside (make payment) and b) confront lovingly on the outside. That checks the spread of evil all around. Also, it is impossible to speak lovingly and winsomely to a person doing wrong unless you have gotten control of your anger through forgiveness steps. The model for this is Christ, of course, who spoke out enough to get crucified, but who forgave his crucifiers every step of the way. The result of his perfect conformity to this model was the triumph of grace both in his own life and in that of his crucifiers.
D. Pre-conditions for Forgiveness.
1. Getting Humility.
The Bible is explicit in telling us to forgive as God in Christ forgave you (Eph.4:32). There is no better way to get the humility necessary for forgiveness than to accept what the gospel says about us. It tells us that we were made by God and owe him therefore everything--we owe it to him to put him first in our life. Even religious people ordinarily only relate to God when we need him in times of trouble. None of us love him as we owe--”with all our heart, soul, strength and mind”. Jesus himself shows us vividly how to do this in Matthew 18:21-35. When Peter asks about forgiveness, Jesus tells the parable of a servant who is forgiven a debt of an infinite sum (10,000 talents--roughly equivalent to about $300,000,000 dollars) but who then refuses to forgive a debt to him of a few dollars. Jesus calls the servant "wicked" and says, in effect, to him, "shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant as I had mercy on you?"(18:33) This is a challenge to us. We must compare our debt to God with people's debts to us AND we are to compare his Christ's payment for our forgiveness to our payment for their forgiveness. We are to say, "Lord, you did not exact payment for my debts from me, but Jesus paid for them with his life. Now what right to I have to exact payments for their debts to me? And for me to forgive would not take a payment anything like Christ's payment!"
Paul in Romans 12 shows us another way to think of resentment and forgiveness. He says, "Leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written: 'vengeance is mine...says the Lord" v.19. What we are being reminded is that all resentment and vengeance is taking on God's role as judge. It is playing God. But (1) only God is qualified to be judge (we are imperfect and deserve judgment ourselves) and (2) only God knows enough to be judge (we don't know all about the offender, what he/she has faced and deserves) and (3) Jesus took the judgment of God. So Paul is saying: "Think this! Either these persons you are angry at will repent some day and Jesus will take their judgment, or they will not and God will deal with it. But in either process, you are not involved." "Pride won't allow forgiveness; forgiveness won't allow pride". If you cannot forgive, it is because you are sure that you are not as sinful as the person you are mad at.
2. Getting “emotional wealth”.
Anger is the result of love. It is energy for defense of something you love when it is threatened. If you don't love something at all, you are not angry when it is threatened. If you love something a little, you get a little angry when it is threatened. If something you love is an "ultimate concern", if it is something that gives you meaning in life, then when it is threatened you will get uncontrollably angry.
When anything in life is an absolute requirement for your happiness and self--worth, it is essentially an “idol”, something you are actually worshipping. When such a thing is threatened, your anger is absolute. Your anger is actually the way the idol keeps you in its service, in its chains. Therefore, if you find that, despite all the efforts to forgive (using 0.-4. above), your anger and bitterness cannot subside, you may need to look deeper and ask, "what am I defending? what is so important that I cannot live without?" It may be that, until some inordinate desire is identified and confronted, you will not be able to master your anger.
Here is a real example. A woman in her late 30’s had never married. Her family and her part of the country believed that there was something radically wrong with any woman of that age that was still single. She wrestled greatly with shame and unworthiness, and she also had tremendous unresolved anger against a man she had dated for many years but who had not married her. She went to a counselor. The therapist rightly told her that she had taken her to heart her family’s approach to personal value and worth. They taught that a woman had to include a husband and children if she was to have any value or worth. She was bitter against this man only because he had come between her and the thing she felt she needed to have to have value. The counselor then proposed that she throw off such an unenlightened view and throw herself into a career.
About this time she was going to a church where she was clearly hearing the gospel for the first time. She heard that the gospel is not that we live a worthy life and then give it to God and then he owes us, but that in Jesus Christ he has already lived a worthy life (he lived the life we should have lived and died the death we should have died) and that when we believe, he gives it to us. Then we are completely accepted and loved by the only One in the universe who counts. This gives us the ultimate “emotional wealth”, a sense of being loved so deep that we can afford to forgive anyone. She realized that the well-meaning counselor was asking her to throw off a politically incorrect system of works-righteousness for a politically correct one! She said, “why should I leave the ranks of the many women who make ‘family’ their worth and value to join the ranks of the many men who make ‘career’ the same thing? Would I not be as devastated then by career setbacks as I have been by romantic ones? No. I will receive the righteousness of Christ, and learn to rejoice in it. Then I can look at males or career and say, ‘what makes me beautiful to God is Jesus, not these things.’ Only then will I have power and freedom. And power to forgive” She found the “pre-conditions” for forgiveness.
Note: It will become clear that one of the most typical “idols” we can have is our spouse! We may need his or her approval and respect in idolatrous ways--we may look to the other person to be a “savior”, the source of our self-worth. No human being can bear that pressure however. Your spouse is a finite human being with limitations. He or she cannot love you consistently. And if you try to get from your spouse what only the Lord can give, you will be locked in a vicious cycle. Your will not be able to forgive your spouse for his/her failures unless you find a Spouse whose love is perfect and whose forgiveness is perfect too.
E. Steps for Repentance.
Why wait until now to talk about repentance? And why give it so little space? Repentance and forgiveness are really different ways of looking at the same thing. We could just as easily spent the lion’s share of this essay on repentance, and then added this note on forgiveness. Both are the same in all of these ways: 1) The pre-conditions are identical. (Both are blocked by pride and emotional bankruptcy. Both require humility and emotional wealth.) 2) The character is identical. (Both are just ways of saying, “I am willing to absorb the payment for what I have done.”) 3) Even the steps are nearly the same. See below.
1. An honest admission of just your part of the wrong. Maybe in the disagreement you are only 10% wrong, or 30% or 80%. You just confess your part without any blame-shifting or excuses. Even if the other person believes you are more guilty than you think you are, admit the truth. Only offer to analyze and describe the part of the mess that you are responsible.
2. Make no excuses. Do not explain it away as blame-shifting. Treat other “triggering” factors as occasions not causes. Your own selfishness or insensitivity etc. was the real cause, and what other people did to you only released those things out into the expressions that you did. If you don’t do this, your repentance can actually be a way to not repent at all.
3. Be willing to listen to a realistic account of what your wrong cost the other. It is possible to use repentance to say “shut up” to another person. How? a) If your repentance is very over-dramatic and emotional, you are saying, “look how bad I feel--don’t tell me anything more about how I made you feel” or even “look how bad I feel--don’t you want to take back what you said? “ b) If your repentance is very quick and analytical, it may make the other person feel that she or he cannot share what he/she was feeling. It can be a way to say, “I’m not interested in hearing how you feel at all.”
4. Provide “fruits” of repentance, rather than just an expression of sorrow. a. Offer to make changes that would restore or remunerate is some way for the damage done. b. Offer to make changes in behavior that would make it very unlikely for the incident at issue to happen again. If you can’t do this, your partner has the right to think you haven’t repented.
If competent repentance and competent forgiveness coincide, the experience is almost a joyful revival of your relationship each time. It is a bit like a conversion experience, with the reality and sweetness of your relationship appreciated in new ways. You see the marriage as a gift, and you find new emotional wealth, since the love of the other person actually points you to the forgiving Lord himself. But if your spouse is not repenting, you a) should still forgive, since it is the only way to keep evil from spreading in you both (see above) and you b) can still forgive if you meet the pre-conditions (see above).
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